


Life's a Bitch and then You Die, but I'm Still Alive

by milkstax



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Can we call it that?, Jisung's a clumsy one, Kind of Slice of Life?, M/M, Skipping Meals, Slow Burn, changbin is an enigma, don’t read this if you just want the romance, eventually, i am aware that this whole thing is a contradiction of the summary but trust me it makes sense, i may be a hopeless romantic but i also love character building, jisung loves the library, mentions of self harm, panic attacks?, so clumsly he unintentionally endangers himself every chance he gets, sorry did i say SLOW BURN? yeah no i mean that x1000000, suffocation?, switches from jisungs poetry back to prose but its not what you think, title inspired by logic bc yes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-07-20 22:33:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16146932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkstax/pseuds/milkstax
Summary: “The more the merrier,” is what Jisung told himself, because quantity was the only thing he could think of to fill his empty heart. Luckily his ‘quantity’ came with the quality he actually needed.





	1. The Library

**Author's Note:**

> honestly don't know what this is suppoed to be.. a mess of my feelings I guess, enjoy loves
> 
> songspiration  
> logic - ysiv, the glorious five, wu tang forever  
> bas + j.cole - tribe  
> 3racha - the dreamz

_Violet..._  
_Violent_  
_Turbulent, just as troubled as any other_  
_Baring more than he can handle_  
_Taking things into his hands he can’t_  
_His hands are full_  
_The only thing empty, his heart._

_No no no. It’s not right, it’s too depressing._ He thinks, holding the backspace button like his life depended on it. A groan escapes his mouth, much louder than he intended, earning shushes from nearly everyone around him in the fuller-than-usual library.

Everyone was studying for tests or writing essays while Han Jisung, the world's worst student, was writing poetry about his oh so perfect Prince Charming, who kept turning more into himself—not so perfect.

He was having enough of this torment, and so he shut his laptop (careful to be quiet this time) and slipped it into his mess of a backpack. He really had to throw away that grilled cheese; a grotesque sight of increasing mold.

_Whatever_ he sighed, slinging the ripped sack over his shoulder as he made his way to the exit. 

The moment he reached for the door, a lilac blur flew past him. _What the hell._ He didn’t think people ran to libraries, unless they were late for silent bingo, which only happened on Sundays. No normal student would pay attention to mundane events like it but Jisung practically lived in the library. His roommate wasn’t even sure if he still went to the damn school.

He turned to see who the rushed person could’ve been, but there was no one behind except for the librarian, giving him a small smile and waving a goodbye to the boy. Jisung returned the wave and pushed through the doors.

——

 

 

Jisung didn’t have any lectures since it was Thursday, so he and his friend Felix decided to eat lunch for once. They agreed on burgers and it was probably the highlight of his day, because he really hadn’t eaten anything since the night before and he was starving.

He arrived at the retro themed restaurant and sat down at an empty booth to wait for his friend. He pulled out his phone and opened the notes app, looking around the establishment for inspiration for a new poem.

_I can’t breathe in this hell_  
_Purgatory is more fitting_  
_Pain more persistent and slapping me back to reality_  
_Just sitting here I feel my morality running_  
_Escaping my grasp and I fall to insanity_  
_Then I’m gone_  
_I’m not here._  
_I never was._

________A sigh escaped his lips. Jisung wrote poetry about lots of things: his Prince Charming, annoying people, Felix, and his less desirable and familiar feeling of suffocation. He felt a hand on his shoulder and his eyes darted up to meet a blonde boy in front of him. Felix._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Felix sat next to Jisung, instructing him to breathe. He didn’t even realize he had stopped. He inhaled and exhaled, coughing up the palpitations against his throat. Felix held his back gently—patiently. After Jisung’s heart rate was resting, Felix asked to see what he had written. He was all too familiar with this routine: Jisung being alone for what was too long, writing down whatever his anxiety shoved him into and then realization, which usually ended in choked breaths._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh Sungie,” Felix whispered, tightening his hold on Jisung’s torso, as if he could disappear any second. Jisung felt lucky to have Felix there, sometimes he thought the younger was a godsend, and he thought he wasn’t worthy of his time, despite whatever refutes of his doubts Felix sent his way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________After a couple of minutes Jisung spoke up, “Let’s order now.” Felix nodded. He called over a waiter and ordered for the both of them. They ate lunch with Felix mainly just talking about his day and how ‘hot’ the guy sitting next to him in music theory was. It was nice. Jisung felt a little bit more at peace and his previous thoughts were set aside for a few hours._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________——_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He found himself back at the library, despite Felix’s efforts to drag him to his dorm to actually sleep. Jisung waved him off and the blonde didn’t try any more because he knew Jisung found great comfort in the dusty place. It was almost like the home he never had. He had a home in Felix, but it was still lonely with just him—especially when he had other friends than just himself and other things to do than hanging out with him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He dragged his feet to his corner in the library, surrounded by shelves that nobody else bothered to go through. It was perfect for Jisung—he could take naps there and cry and just read books and write. Inspiration always hit him in his spot on top of the stack of books next to the shelves, so it became his favorite spot on campus._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He wiped off some of the dust from his makeshift bed and flopped back-first onto the hard covers, immediately falling to sleep.  
——_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jisung felt warmth creeping over his face, and opened his eyes to the blinding sun streaming in through the ceiling windows. He stretched his arms out and stifled a yawn, climbing off of the books and grabbing his forgotten backpack from the ground. He slipped it over his shoulders and grabbed a book he had read at least twenty times, then left through the back exit. If he heard the librarian yelling after him for not checking a book out again, he ignored it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He stopped by his dorm to take a quick shower and change his clothes to an oversized t-shirt and joggers, and to pick up his materials for his next lecture, which was in thirty minutes. He slipped on his torn black hoodie and shoes and was about to leave until his roommate, Woojin, stopped him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He stood in front of the boy, blocking the doorway with his broader and taller frame._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I never thought I’d never see you again. Where are you all the time Jisung?” He asked, eyes wide and concern lacing his tongue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jisung really couldn’t do this _this_ early in the morning. He tried to come up with a lame excuse but opted for the truth because this Woojin guy could tell if he was lying (probably due to Jisung’s excessive body language)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I like sleeping at the library,” he stated simply._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Woojin looked at him in disbelief, quirking up an eyebrow. “What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jisung shrugged. “It’s comfy, I guess,” he said, noticing Woojin was still not convinced and definitely more concerned that he was the cause of Jisung’s strange habits._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“It’s not you hyung, I promise. I’ve always liked libraries, don’t worry too much about it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Woojin was still suspicious but gave up and settled on the vague answer, moving for Jisung to leave their shared dorm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Tell me if something’s bothering you!” Woojin called after Jisung down the hall. Jisung waved at his hyung, then he was out of his sight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	2. Broccoli ; Woojin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i m too excited bc i love this chapter which is why i m posting it so lose to the fist one,,, i only barely started the third chapter so dont expect such frequent updates lol

_Green. I hate that color_  
_It’s sweet and sickening_  
_More often than not it_  
_Makes me feel nauseous_  
_It’s so carefree and happy_  
_It’s not fair._  
_I envy green._

Jisung hated theory. Music theory, specifically. He wasn’t having it today. Jisung definitely wasn’t having it when the guy sitting next to him would not shut the fuck up. His green hair bounced up and down and his dimples dug deep into his cheeks as he babbled on about how happy he was to be able to produce music at their university. 

Jisung tried to stop himself from punching him. He had been doing this since classes started a month ago and it only got worse. His professor didn’t even try to stop it since they sat at the very back of the giant lecture hall.

“Dude,” Jisung interrupted. “I don’t fucking care.” The thing was, he did care. He always listened to every word that came out of the boy’s mouth. He just couldn’t understand how the other could be so happy. Was he even human? He was so outspoken and Jisung was so annoyed with him to the point that he didn’t even consider the that he might’ve been putting up a front.

He watched as the green-haired boy’s (he called him Broccoli) eyes widened and a frown placed itself on his face. He pouted and turned forward, pretending he was listening to the lecture and that he didn’t just get shut up by his own classmate. Jisung didn’t even feel the least bit bad. 

Jisung sighed. His breath was lighter and his head didn’t hurt as much anymore. He fiddled with  
his fingers to tune out his surroundings until the professor called something towards his direction, making whispered curses litter the air around him.

“Okay you and you will be working together for this project,” the professor yelled, pointing at Jisung and someone next to him.

He turned his head around and— _oh no_ , Broccoli was smiling. His irritatingly sweet dimples dented his face and Jisung’s patience to oblivion.

He had to work with Broccoli! The bane of his existence! He sent daggers the other boy’s way and slumped over the table in front of him, not even trying to hide his despair.

The professor dismissed class, and Jisung bolted out of his chair. He was out the door so fast that his backpack flew right out of his grasp; it took him a few seconds to realize that it was ten feet behind him. He skidded to a stop and went to pick it up; at the same time, another group of fingers reached for the strap. He stopped his hand and looked up to see Broccoli, giving his backpack to him with his infamous toothy grin.

Jisung snatched his bag from the other, mumbling a quiet _“thanks…”_

Broccoli just nodded and Jisung thought the interaction was done, and so he turned on his heels and started walking away. His shoulder was caught by a small weight and he turned to see Broccoli again.

“Hey so um… when do you wanna work on the project?”

Jisung quirked his head. _What project?_ Apparently, his brain decided to forget everything the moment he left the lecture.

Broccoli fiddled with his laptop bag, and looked up from the ground expectantly.

“I,” Jisung hesitated, “I don’t know…” 

“Well,” the other started, taking on a pensive expression, which was rare for what Jisung had seen of the boy. 

“I’m at Pano every night except Wednesday’s, so we could work on it then, or you could just come to my dorm.” He said, and Jisung noticed his normal tone of voice had switched to a business formal. _It was fucking weird_ , Jisung told Felix later that night.

He heard the other’s words echo in his ears, remembering the mention of Pano, short for Panorama Café, Jisung’s second favorite place on campus, after the library of course. If it meant he could eat sweet treats, he didn’t mind having to be with Broccoli.

And _shit_ , he must’ve said that out loud, because the next thing he knew, Broccoli was laughing and wheezing out, “I-it’s Ch-cha-n.”

Jisung was appalled by this new information. Broccoli’s name—wasn’t Broccoli? It was a simple and sweet name...Chan?

“Ch-chan?” Jisung tested it out on his tongue, then looked up at the green haired boy, deciding Broccoli still fit him better.

“So, I’ll see you sometime this week, right Jisung?” And _wait. Broccoli knows my fucking name?_

He really needed to stop voicing his thoughts out loud. He heard Br—Chan, laughing again and brought a hand up to scratch the back of his neck. 

“Yeah…” He managed to get out as Chan waved and was leaving Jisung’s bubble.  
——

 

 

Jisung’s body found its way back to his spot in the library and he collapsed face first into the books. _Fuck._ He really regretted that.

He tore his sweaty cheeks off the covers and brought his hands up to them. He felt the lumps starting to form and they were sore. _Ouch._ He wished he slept at Felix’s instead. 

After a few minutes the pain worsened, and Jisung got up from the book-bed, and walked out of the building towards Felix’s.

The street lamps on campus emitted a warm, dim yellow, and the moon was nowhere to be seen. As Jisung was searching for it, he tripped on his shoelaces, and he fell shoulder first onto the concrete. _Pop!_

 _Fuck!_ He was pretty sure he just broke his shoulder bone or something. He groaned out in pain. Why was this happening to him? Wasn’t it just supposed to be another normal night? A few stray tears made their way down his cheeks and he attempted to stand up using his—non-broken (?) arm, almost falling again. 

He needed help. He slipped his hand into his pocket for his phone but it wasn’t there. It was on the ground, slightly cracked. Jisung tried to salvage it before his stupidity could cause him to break it further.

It was the most painful bend over he had ever experienced, but he was getting help, right? It was worth it, right? He didn’t think so after he accidentally called Woojin instead of Felix, and the older answered before Jisung could cancel the call. 

“Is something wrong Jisung?” 

Jisung swallowed hard, “N-no nothing’s wrong hyung, sorry I meant to call someone else,” which was true, and so he thought Woojin would leave it alone, but then again he didn’t know Woojin that well.

“It sounds like you’re in pain. Where are you?”  
Jisung only gulped harder. 

“Jisung. Where are you?” 

“I-,” he started, taking in his surroundings. “I’m about a block away from the library…”

“Okay. I’ll be there. Don’t move.” Woojin ended the call and Jisung heaved a sigh of relief. At least help was coming. He was lucky to have Woojin as a roommate and he didn’t even know it.  
——

 

 

Woojin arrived, and there was a first aid kit tucked under his left arm and he was panting, doubling over his knees to catch his breath. When he looked up from the concrete, he saw the bruises on Jisung’s face and the ugly maroon and purple scrape tearing down Jisung’s entire right arm.

He scanned over Jisung’s body for any other cuts or scrapes but didn’t see any sign of them. Just to make sure he asked “Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere,” the younger admitted, whining in pain.

Woojin instinctively placed a hand on the brunette’s right shoulder, to which Jisung replied with a loud _“OWW!”_

Woojin flinched back and his eyes went over the other’s feet; untied shoes filling his mind.

“You tripped,” he said blankly, pointing at Jisung’s shoes. Jisung nodded, embarrassed. “And you fell on your arm…” the other nodded again. “Is your shoulder broken?”

“Maybe?”

“Well fuck, I can’t help you with that one.”  
——

 

 

Woojin cleaned and bandaged Jisung’s face and his arm, being careful of his shoulder, and then he gave the younger a piggy back ride to their dorm. Jisung's seemingly never ending yelping startled and annoyed Woojin so much that he almost ransomed him off to the concrete again for some peace and quiet.

When they were in front of the building, Woojin grabbed his keys from his jacket pocket and turned it with the lock, then he pushed the door. He approached the elevators in the middle of the floor and pushed the silver up arrow; he waited for the elevator to come down. He looked at cracks on the ceilings and the withering plant in a sky blue vase adorning the corner of the hall, and he heard light snoring from Jisung, who looked quite peaceful considering the fact that he had a broken shoulder that still needed to be fixed.

There was a light _ding!_ , and then the slate doors opened, and Woojin stepped inside, pressing the button for floor 3. The elevator jolted as it arrived at the third floor, making Jisung wake from his nap and emit a large groan of pain over Woojin's shoulder.

"We're almost there, shut up, please," Woojin demanded, making Jisung whine.

Woojin unlocked the door to their dorm and slipped off his shoes, taking Jisung's and setting them down as well. He continued to carry Jisung to his room and set him off on his bed, advising him not to move. Jisung nodded and his lidded eyes shut for a few more moments before Woojin was back in his room with an unfamiliar face. 

"His shoulder looks like it's dislocated, but I don't think it's broken," the guy said, turning to face Woojin. 

Jisung looked back and forth through the two, "Are you here to help me?" He asked. The stranger's eyes widened as he looked Jisung's way. 

"Yes. I'm Lee Minho, friend of Woojin's. My parents are doctors so I caught on to some things," He said, getting closer to inspect Jisung's shoulder more. Jisung nodded.  
——

 

 

After several screams, Jisung was now laying on his bed, a sling over his arm to support his shoulder from dislocating again. It still hurt like hell, but he was doing much better. Minho had left an hour ago and Woojin was in his room, typing away at his computer. He attempted to lift his body up, but to his dismay, it simply refused. He groaned as his small frame hit the mattress. The typing from the other room abruptly stopped, then picked up its previous rhythm.

"Are you doing okay, Jisung?" Woojin yelled from his room. 

Jisung sighed. "Yeah," he yelled back.

"Get some sleep, you'll feel better after resting."

"Okay." Jisung stared up at the ceiling to clear his mind. He thought about the sheep jumping over the fence, and for once, it worked. The last thing he heard before he was snoring again was the click of a switch, and retreating footsteps.


	3. An Apology, Perhaps?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey sorry it took so long for this, I was having trouble figuring out the ending of the chapter, anyways enjoy

_Yellow_  
 _From green it is different_  
 _It is happy too_  
 _But it is honest_  
 _It is pure_  
 _Its emotions on display_  
 _From this it is fragile_  
 _Afraid of being broken from others,_  
 _I protect it and it does the same for me._  
 _Though it always seems like it does_  
 _A better job of it than I_  
 _Its golden light wrapping me_  
 _In its refuge_  
 _While I have nothing to offer_  
 _My sad dim shimmer_  
 _Lasting only a mere moment_   
_While it’s brightness seems to last_  
 _An eternity._

“I can’t believe you’re the dumbest person on the planet,” Felix said, sipping on his latte.

“It’s not my fault I’m so clumsy! My coordination genes are nonexistent!” Jisung flailed his arms, crumbs from his scone hitting Felix’s face.

The younger wiped the sugar clumps off his skin, laughing at the infuriated figure next to him.

Jisung’s pout only deepened at the noise, as he gulped down the last of his scone. He definitely didn’t chew it properly and Felix definitely didn’t have to use the heimlich maneuver on him. 

“Dumbass,” Felix said after Jisung was gulping down Felix’s latte to soothe his throat, only to choke on that too. Felix patted his back firmly as his friend coughed up some of the warm liquid. 

“You’re buying me a new drink, squirrel,” Felix said, pinching the brunette’s cheek. Jisung’s face scrunched up as he swatted Felix’s hand away.

“ _Yeah, okay_ ,” Jisung mumbled, tossing the lukewarm beverage into a trash can.   
——

 

 

After Jisung’s several coughing fits, he and Felix went back to Panorama café (where Felix got his latte from) so that Jisung could buy the younger a new drink. Felix begged for another latte but as Jisung was a very broke and very stingy student, he got him an iced americano instead, even though it was only cheaper by 200 won.

They sat at a booth near the giant glass windows and Jisung remembered his green-haired classmate had suggested they work on their theory project at the very café he was seated in.

“So you have to work with Broccoli?” Felix suddenly asked, as if he could read Jisung’s mind, to which Jisung sighed. 

“Yeah. I guess it’s okay, I’ve heard some of his tracks in class once, they’re pretty damn good,” though Jisung would never tell _him_ that.

“Well then what’s the problem?” Felix wondered, his eyebrows knitted closely. He absentmindedly stirred his iced americano with the magenta straw, then taking a small sip. He looked at Jisung through the tips of his eyelashes, waiting patiently; he had to wait a lot with Jisung, though he had never really minded it.

Jisung stared at the dark wood slab in front of him. Why _did_ he have such a huge problem with Broccoli? _There’s no way it could just be me being annoyed._ He was actually interested in the older boy’s banter half the time, and his rambling was a little endearing. 

He hesitated a few times before speaking, “I-it’s just that...dammit I don’t know!” Felix begged him to continue. “He’s kind of annoying? Like he disrupts my peace and quiet? But sometimes I’ll rant to him and he listens? He’s helpful and all, produces good music, and is passionate. But—he’s just so damn happy all the time! And you know what?”

Felix straightened his posture and perked up at the outburst. “What?”

“I’m jealous of him. I’m jealous of how he’s able to be so happy with everything bad happening around him, with every other student suffering around him—Felix, I wish _I_ could be him,” Jisung breathed out, bringing his hands up to pull at his hair.

“Oh…” Felix whispered, setting his coffee down. “He’s probably not as smiley as you think,” he said, picking up the coffee again to take another sip.

Jisung untangled his fingers from his head and leaned forward. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean—” Felix started, and promptly stopped, to take one last sip of the coffee, “—he’s probably just like you, Sungie.” “I’m sure he just bottles everything up on the inside because he’s just that selfless, and just as much selfish. But that’s not his fault.” He got up and threw away the empty plastic cup, and then headed back over to the booth they were seated at, looking at Jisung expectantly.

There was a storm of realization going on in Jisung’s mind, and he hated himself for being such an inconsiderate asshole to Broccoli—no—Chan.

“I hate myself,” was all Jisung managed to get out before Felix punched him in the arm (the previously injured one). 

“Ow! Fuck you!” Jisung yelped, cradling the sling his arm rested in. Felix just rolled his eyes.

“You deserve it. Now come here so I can make sure I didn’t break your arm you dumb bitch,” Felix grumbled, but Jisung could hear the worriedness in his last few words. He softened at the younger.

“Aw, Lix cares about me!” He exclaimed, getting up from the booth and wrapping his free arm around the younger’s torso. 

“Shut up, squirrel.” Felix said, laughing as he patted Jisung’s back. “Is it okay?” Felix asked like a child, petting Jisung’s sling where he had just punched it.

Jisung giggled, “Yeah, it’s fine Lix, I promise. It did hurt, but it’s all good now.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah man,” he gave the freckled boy a reassuring smile.  
——

 

 

_“You should buy him something nice, you know, as a part of your apology.”_

Felix’s words rung throughout Jisung’s head as he was looking between two different chocolate boxes. “Does he even like chocolate?...” Jisung asked no one in particular. He held one box above the other, as if he were weighing them.

“Get the smaller box, it comes off as more genuine rather than just compensation,” a voice said behind him. Jisung jumped in his spot. 

“What the hell,” he said, turning to the rough voice. He expected a tall man with intimidating features to be behind him, but he was instead met with a boy shorter than him (by a few centimeters). However, he _did_ have an intimidating demeanor, the all-black outfit accentuating it.

“Um, thanks…” Jisung said shakily, turning to put the bigger box back on the shelf. 

“Changbin,” the other finished for him.

“Okay, thank you Changbin,” Jisung said, giving him a small smile. 

“No problem,” the boy, Changbin, said, returning the gesture.

Jisung turned back to the shelf to grab a less dented box of the smaller variety, too caught up in his task to remember the other boy still standing next to him. _What the hell. You’d think these boxes would be handled better in the factory, they’re all crushed! No wonder that other brand is so expensive—sorry Brocc- Chan but I’m a broke college student, you should underst-_

“-at’s your name?” The rough voice cut through his thoughts.

“Huh?” Jisung turned around, wide-eyed again, as he expected for the other boy to have left already.

“Your name,” Changbin repeated, laughing.

“Oh,” Jisung smiled shyly, “it’s Jisung.”

“Cool. I’m assuming we go to the same school so uh, see ya around Jisung?” Changbin said, waving.

“Yeah sure,” Jisung waved back with his free hand. He was sure he wouldn’t see the other boy again—after all, their school’s campus was huge, and the amount of students that attended the university was enough to get lost at the entrance. But Changbin’s nice gesture made Jisung smile, so he hoped that maybe they would be able to bump into each other again.  
——

 

 

_**jijijijibbybbybby: Lix I'm so stressed** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: what if he’s hated me all this time and we have to work on the project in complete silence???**_

_**jijijijibbybbybby: I’ll go crazy !** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: dw too much sungie, he’ll forgive you !**_

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: I believe in you !!** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: you’re like an adorable lil chipmunk he can’t say no to you,,**_

_**jijijijibbybbybby: okay first, Lix I love you thank you** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: <3** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: second, your un scares me** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: :0** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: if you saw him you’d understand my troubles _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: dude you’re really fuckin thirsty for this guy, huh** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: y,,eah,,,** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: ji ! you don’t understand he’s so beautiful it’s frustrating!** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: yeah? Well I gotta meet up w broccoli and attempt not to strangle him !!** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: o shit yeah good luck w that** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: i hope y’all make up by making out** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: f e l i x w h a t t h e f u c k** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: a little advice if you even want a chance w the theory dude** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: stop reading twice fanfics** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: damn you got me there** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: also I would never kiss broccoli that’s nightmare fuel**_

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: that’s what you think now !** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: literally never talking to you again**_

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: no WAIT**_

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: Jisung stop being a bitch !!**_

_**jijijijibbybbybby: (｀・ω・´)**_  
——

 

 

Jisung slid his phone into his track pants and zipped up the pocket. He brought his hand over his laptop bag, playing with the zipper handles as he got closer and closer to the café. His heart rate quickened its speed as he pushed open the teal framed glass doors and the small bell above him rang.

A bolt of a green tuft of hair could be seen in the corner at a booth, and an arm stuck up to wave at him. Jisung gave a stiff smile and had taken to fiddling with his bag strap as he neared the booth Chan was sitting at. 

The café was mostly empty; a couple of other students were on their laptops near the giant glass windows, with a perfect view of pitch black and dim streetlights. It was nice at this time, Jisung decided. He didn’t know how but his love for the café seemed to morph from a delicate tulip to a fervent rose. The warmth surrounding his body almost burned as he sat into the plush pine seat across from his project partner.

Chan’s brows were furrowed and his caffeinated eyes bore holes into his computer screen. He had earbuds in and kept clicking his mouse and typing shortcuts he remembered by heart.

Jisung slipped his bag off and to his side, cueing for Chan to look up from his screen.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” Jisung whispered, but Chan was still able to hear it, and he smiled at it. 

“Hey, um” Jisung startled unsurely, gaining the full attention of the other. “I- I just wanna say I’m sorry for kind of being an asshole to you in class all the time when you’re so nice to me—um, I brought you some chocolates? Sorry if you don’t like them,” he finished shakily, gulping as he stared at his hands, giving the slightly crumpled box to the other.

Chan shook his head, taking the box. “Nah man, it’s okay. A lot of people think I’m annoying, nothing new.” Jisung frowned at this. “But uh hey, thanks. Means a lot,” he bumped Jisung’s uninjured arm with his fist. “And thanks for the chocolate, these are my favorite!”

Jisung heaved a sigh of relief until Chan’s unreadable gaze fell upon him again. Or, at least his arm. Oh.

He looked at his sling and back up at Chan. 

“How’d you manage to get that since I saw you yesterday?” Chan asked, quirking his eyebrow. 

Jisung sighed. “Long story.” Chan nodded, not prodding any further.

Jisung’s silence seemed to get his gears turning again as he quickly turned his screen to Jisung, showing him what he was working on. 

“So our project is to make a decent song in three weeks, and I have a few tracks—you know—the ones you’ve heard before. But I thought this track should be more fresh and less overworked,” Chan pauses, taking a breath to recall his previous train of thought. Jisung nodded.

“Anyways,” he continued, dismissing whatever it was that he forgot, “I made like five new ones. Here, plug in your headphones and tell me which one inspires you most. We’ll work with whatever you choose. I know you’re good with lyrics so I’ll leave that to you. Oh—and tell me what you don’t like.”

Jisung blinked. _Well this is overwhelming._ He looked as if he checked out and Chan started to worry. 

“O-okay,” Jisung said after a quiet second. He brought out his earbuds and plugged them into the headphone jack, then he pressed play on the presented track.

Chan didn’t have him do much work other than listen to the tracks. He even told him he didn’t have to choose one for the project until tomorrow, which Jisung was glad for, because, he knew his tracks were good and wasn’t sure he could choose just one right away.

The lyrics came easily to him and he scrambled for his notebook and pen, jotting down notes about the feeling of the song next to scribbled stanzas for the song. He read through the lyrics he wrote after listening to the first track, which held an empty feeling, and thought it wasn’t quite right, and that the text painting he forced in wasn’t sounding too great. So he moved onto the next track.

This one also felt purposefully empty, and so did the next, and the one after that. It startled Jisung. It was completely different from anything he previously heard from Chan, and he wasn’t even sure they were made by the same person. Chan noticed Jisung’s troubled looks, stopping whatever he was doing on his phone to talk to him.

“Is something wrong, Jisung?” He said quietly, not wanting to startle the boy.

“Um…” Jisung started, hesitating the next few words. “Are you doing okay?”

“What?”

“I mean,” Jisung rubbed his temples, “these tracks sound empty. Are you okay?”

“Are they bad?”

“They’re not bad, it’s just a little hard to work with—“

“Are they missing something?”

“Yeah. I think it needs more bass? And maybe layering more synths would help.” Jisung wasn’t sure that that was the problem with the tracks, but he didn’t want to overthink it too much.

“Alright, I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.”

“Yeah no problem.” Jisung unplugged his earbuds and turned Chan’s laptop back towards him, rolling up the earbuds and stuffing them into his bag. Chan started clicking away at the screen again, and he plugged in his own earbuds.

“Hey uh—Chan?” Jisung asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah?” He said, raising an eyebrow as he looked up from the screen with one earbud out.

“I think we should call it a night. I kind of promised my roommate I’d be back at the dorm in twenty,” Jisung said, grabbing his bag and sliding it over his uninjured shoulder.

“Okay, well, thanks for coming Jisung,” he said with a small smile.

“Yeah, no problem,” Jisung smiled back as he waved at the boy. As he left the café, the little bells at the top of the door jingled, making Jisung smile just a little bit more.

_Green isn’t so bad._   
_It’s calming and peaceful-_   
_At least that’s what lies on the surface_   
_Green isn’t as happy as we’d like to think._   
_But all we see is the surface_   
_And the surface is the only information_   
_We’re allowed to see_   
_Because what’s underneath the surface_   
_Is a worn out creature, an envious creature, a creature engulfed by its own thoughts_   
_A creature hidden from others by this surface level_   
_This surface level which kills the creature_   
_But still absolutely necessary to the survival of the creature as well_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry Changbin won’t be a main character for another chapter or two,,,


	4. 'Clumsitus'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songspiration for this chapter  
> logic - upgrade, ordinary day

_tick——tock..._  
_tick——tock..._  
_tick._  
_tock._

One week flew past Jisung in a flash. He kept going to Pano to work with Chan and he made the effort to sit down and actually learn more about the other. He found out that Chan was three years older than him, and that he had taken a couple of gap years for his mental state. He also learned that Chan’s best friend, who also went to their school, pushed Chan to apply so he wouldn’t regret not trying. Jisung thought that he and Chan were similar in that aspect; they both had a friend to help push them in the right direction. 

It was day 8, (or 9, Jisung wasn’t very good at counting) and they were in the library this time, Jisung’s comfort spot still a secret. It was dark and dusty and the only lights in the building came from the shimmering moon and the almost broken light bulbs at each wooden table. It was kind of beautiful like this, Jisung thought, and he couldn’t help but draw inspiration from the way the yellow glow hit the crumpled pages and covers of the surplus of book surrounding them. Jisung scribbled away with his limited vision, each scratch of the pen against the coarse paper causing Chan to flinch. The older male groaned and let his head fall to the table after what seemed like a full minute of Jisung writing non-stop, emitting a loud thud. Jisung stopped scribbling his nonsense and looked up from his notebook at the older boy.

“Wanna take a break?” Jisung asked.

Chan’s face wrinkled into a confused pout. “Yeah,” he answered after a minute. “I’ll just go outside for a second,” he closed his laptop and stood up from the creaky chair. 

“Do you want me to come with?” Jisung looked at the other.

“You’re okay with leaving all of our stuff here unattended?” Chan questioned, knowing full well that nobody was going to steal their things—they weren’t very valuable anyways. He hoped that Jisung would catch on and let him go out of the building alone, because he was the reason for Chan’s distress, but apparently the brunette was as bright as the half-broken lights littering campus. 

“It’ll be fine, come on, let’s get some fresh air,” Jisung said, setting his pen and notebook aside. He stood up from the table and pushed his chair in, then caught up to where Chan was at the door. Chan heaved a great sigh as the shorter boy stood next to him outside in the chilly autumn air. 

“So what’s on your mind?” Jisung asked, breaking the comfortable silence that fell between the two, or so he thought.

“Nothing much, I’m just a little overwhelmed,” Chan replied hoarsely, running a hand through his faded green locks. He tried to gulp down the lump forming in his throat but it didn’t seem to go away.

Jisung turned to face him. “A _little_?” Jisung asked, searching Chan’s eyes for an answer.

Chan only nodded. He didn’t trust his voice right then. He turned away from the younger and stared back over the city lights into the dark, empty, midnight sky. He gulped again, feeling his body tremble slightly. He let out a couple of shaky breaths and then he felt a pair of arms wrap around him. 

“Hey, breathe for me, Chan—breathe.” Jisung whispered, trying to keep himself calm in the midst of Chan’s panicking. As Chan buried his head into Jisung’s chest, he let out a couple of steady breaths, making Jisung calmer as well.

“Good,” Jisung whispered again. He pulled away from the other boy and watched as he used his hoodie sleeves to rub his eyes dry. The quiet chirping of crickets filled the midnight air and the steadiness of the noise brought Chan’s heart to its resting rate. He sniffled and looked up to see Jisung still looking at him. 

“Can we stop for today?” He croaked out. 

Jisung nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get your stuff for you,” he said, approaching the door. 

“Are you gonna leave too?” Chan asked.

“No, I’m gonna work a little bit more,” he said, pushing the door open. Once inside he quickly grabbed Chan’s backpack and placed his laptop, earbuds, soundboard, and the mass of pink pens and papers into it. He zipped up the main compartment and sling it over his shoulder, also grabbing the jacket Chan had neglected.

He pushed open the door to the chilly breeze once again, and let the door slam shut behind him. He gave the jacket to the other boy first, and then his backpack. Once Jisung was sure Chan had everything, he waved him off, “Don’t stress too much, hyung.”

“Sure.”

——  
Jisung had gotten no sleep last night, leaving the library only once the sun glared into his eyes. 

He had a test in an hour, and he could feel his body falling in and out of consciousness at the booth he was seated at while he stared at the blurred black liquid in front of him.

He was sure he would die drinking so much caffeine in one go, but there was a sharp stabbing pain becoming more and more present in his head, so he reluctantly took a large sip of the suspicious liquid. His face scrunched at the bitter taste and his body caught the chills, making his bloodshot eyes brighter. _Trash_. 

He got up from the booth and threw the drink away, leaving the café for some fresh air. He was more aware of his surroundings with the boost of caffeine, and he swore his senses heightened with each step. And it was because of this that he was able to dodge the soccer ball flying towards the back of his head. He wasn’t sure who in their right minds would play soccer so early in the morning, but it _was_ Saturday, so it wasn’t as odd as he had made it out to be. Then again, it was _Saturday_ , and he had to take a test. Life was funny like that, Jisung thought.

The ball flew a couple hundred meters in front of him and rolled to a stop in the middle of one of the many vast green fields on the campus. Behind him he heard several apologies coming from presumably whoever kicked the ball. He turned around and assured the guy that it was okay, but his pouty lips told Jisung he wasn’t convinced.

“You’re okay?” The boy asked again, putting his hands on his hips.

“Yes? I’m fine, now please, I have somewhere to be,” Jisung said, sighing into his hand.

“You don’t sound so sure about that,” the boy said again, leaning closer to inspect Jisung’s covered face. 

“I’m literally fine!” Jisung yelled, removing his hand and looking the boy in the eyes, pointing at his face.

“Oh my god! Your eye is purple!” The boy shrieked.

“What?” Jisung questioned, bringing his hand up to his eyes. And sure enough, one of them felt swollen, and now that he noticed it, he couldn’t see too well out of it either. 

“ _Oh my god_ , what do I do?” The other boy (who was quite tall, Jisung noticed) panicked, pacing in his spot and looking at Jisung every other second, who was just as confused as he was.

“I don’t remember that ball ever hitting my face,” Jisung says, looking at the cement, trying to come up with an answer. “How the hell did I get a black eye…”

“It’s _purple_!” The other boy screamed again, shaking Jisung’s shoulders.

“Hey, Hyunjin, What the hell, stop harassing people you don’t know,” a familiar voice yelled behind this so called Hyunjin. The person jogged up to them, his small figure getting closer.

He appeared by the tall boy, who still had his hands on Jisung’s shoulders, and Jisung was shocked to see who it was. It was the chocolate guy from last week. What was his name… _Chanmin_?

“My name’s _Changbin_ , nice to see you somewhat remembered me, Jisung,” Changbin laughed, and Jisung clapped a hand over his mouth. _I didn’t even open my mouth, what the fuck._

“You remembered my name?” Was all he was able to get out in his flurry of thoughts.

“Yeah,” Changbin said, smiling sweetly.

“Anyways,” Changbin said, “I’m so sorry for Hyunjin here, he’s not the brightest.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin whined, pouting at Changbin.

Jisung laughed, “I can tell.”

“I can’t believe this,” Hyunjin grumbled, running off to retrieve the almost forgotten ball.

Jisung turned to watch the lanky boy run off, chuckling as he almost ran into a tree.

“So,” Changbin started, and Jisung turned his attention back towards him.

“Do you get injured often or,” Changbin asked, staring at Jisung’s swollen eye. And wow, okay. This Changbin guy really payed attention to people, because now that Jisung remembered it, he was wearing the sling for his arm the first time they met, and now he had a black eye in place of it.

“Yeah,” Jisung sighed. “It’s a curse on my entire family,” Jisung said, dramatically moving his arms around for effect, effectively making Changbin laugh. Jisung smiled gumily and continued, “It’s been through generations. It’s called,” Jisung paused, “ _Clumsitus!_ ” Jisung said eerily, bringing his hands up to his face. 

“No way,” Changbin played along. “Is it contagious?” He asked.

“Very,” Jisung said, to which Changbin gasped. “My friend Felix hasn’t caught it yet, he’s like immune to it or something.”

“How do I know if I’m immune to it?” 

“You wait and find out,” Jisung said mysteriously, using his hands for effect again. In the process he caught a glimpse of his watch and his eyes widened. “Shit, I really need to go, gotta test,” he said, bringing his arms back down to his sides.

“With that?” Changbin asked, pointing to Jisung’s eye.

“What the fuck, I forgot about that,” Jisung said, bringing up a hand to touch the swollen area again. “Ow, fuck.”

“How can you forget about it? It’s literally impairing half your vision?” Changbin asked, eyeing it curiously.

“Nah I can see okay, plus I’m really out of it today,” the brunette said, putting a hand on his hip. Changbin hummed, looking back over in the direction of his friend, who was running towards them with the ball. 

“What’d I miss?” Hyunjin asked as he stood in front of the two shorter boys, holding the mud covered ball.

“Jisung here was just telling me about his ‘ _Clumsitus_ ’ and how contagious it is,” Changbin said, smiling when Hyunjin’s face contorted to that of horror.

“He has what! Nah man, I’m outta here—I can’t be catching weird diseases,” Hyunjin rushed. “Sorry dude, no offense,” He added while looking at Jisung, who just waved it off. He took one last look at Jisung’s eye and ran away from him and back towards the field.

“He’s quite the character,” Jisung said, watching the boy trip in the muddy field as he punted the ball into the air.

“Yeah. Looks like he caught your disease after all,” Changbin said after following Jisung’s line of sight to the poor creature.

“Told you it was contagious,” Jisung said, looking back at the shorter male. “It’s only a matter of time before you catch it too, Changbin,” he said, smiling.

“Does that mean we’ll see eachother again?” Changbin asked.

“Sure, you seem like fun.”

“Ditto. Good luck on your test dude,” Changbin said, turning on his cleats towards the field.

“Yeah, thanks,” Jisung said, watching him run off to help Hyunjin out of the mud. He laughed as he saw Hyunjin, looking like some sort of mud monster, and he waved at Changbin as he caught his eyes and Changbin waved back. Hyunjin just pouted through the layers of mud and sent a middle finger Jisung’s way, to which Jisung stuck his tongue out at. He turned on his heels and finally headed to class, running the last few minutes there. 

_Lavender...and Violet..._  
_And Red._  
_Thought they just met,_  
_Their surfaces are already bound together_  
_They make a beautiful magenta,_  
_Vibrant and playful_  
_Bold and serene all the same_  
_A true balance is formed_  
_Familiarity between the three already present_  
_Creates a beautiful harmony._


	5. A Drop of Warmth in the Blizzard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo sorry for not updating in almost a month,, 
> 
>  
> 
> sonspiration  
> big sean - light, jump out the window, inspire me  
> junoflo + boa - autopilot  
> got7 - from now  
> day6 - days gone by

_Lost in the darkness_  
_Can’t find my way out_  
_If only my sixth sense would appear_  
_My third eye guiding the path to the light_  
_Instead of letting me stay trapped in the shadows where no one can see me or free me_  
_It’s fine, I can use my mind, I can follow my heart, with my broken senses_  
_It’s okay, I can use my mind, I can follow my heart’s fragile thoughts._

Jisung was sure he barely passed his math test. But it was okay. It was _fine_. He was _fine_. He wanted to forget about it like he did with every test he took. Felix would scold him and tell him to check on his grades, but Jisung never talked about them. And if Jisung didn’t talk to Felix about something small like that then Felix didn’t ask. It wasn't healthy but it worked for them.

He was glad Felix offered to buy whatever food he wanted at the grocery store near campus, along with an eye drop to clear out his black-or purple- eye to help calm his nerves. Felix wasn’t even surprised when the older boy texted him about his newly blackened eye.

“Ji, we’re not getting—wait—what _are_ those?” Felix asked, taking the colorful cardboard box from Jisung’s eager hands.

“They’re cheese puffs stuffed with pizza bites,” Jisung said, showing off his gums as he looked at the box proudly, like he invented the monstrosity.

“Jisung,” The blonde sighed, looking up from the box at the brunette. “Put it back.”

The shine in the older boy’s eyes dimmed as he took the box from Felix’s hands dejectedly, taking it back to the freezer it came from. As he pulled on the plastic black handle, the cold breeze from the inside kissed his skin gently, pricking the light hairs on his arms. He quickly placed the box back inside before he could change his mind and decide to sneak the snack away when Felix wasn’t looking.

They strolled through the rest of the aisles of the convenience store, and they happened upon the familiar aisle Jisung found himself in quite often. He looked around at the sour gummy worms and the caramel chocolates, his mouth watering. Before he could suggest anything, Felix started throwing candy bags into the cart, making sure to include both of their favorites: sour gummy worms, sour skittles, twix, and m&ms. They shared a smile as they left the aisle for the next, and Jisung brightened at the rows of heart shaped boxes and pretty labels. 

“Come on Ji, we already got your favorites,” Felix said, pushing the small metal cart towards the register. Jisung nodded, waiting for Felix to completely exit the aisle before he searched for the familiar box he had gotten for Chan. He let out a quiet "yes!" as his hands gripped the small, somewhat worn, box. He heard Felix yelling for him further away, like a mother waiting on their curious child. He hurried out of the aisle and slipped the small box into the cart, failing to slip it past Felix’s eyes as they squinted at him.  
——

 

 

“You _do_ remember that I’m literally broke, right?” Felix asked as they carried the plastic bags from the store to the blonde’s dorm.

“Of course I do!” Jisung replied, sticking his tongue out as he scrunched up his face.

“You’re buying my next five lattes, squirrel. That eye drop and all those candies were _not_ fucking cheap.” 

“Sure, Lix,” Jisung said, looking ahead as they neared Felix’s building. “Thanks, dude. For all of this, I mean.” 

“Anything for you, Sungie,” Felix said, turning to smile at him. _Sungie_. He felt his body become warm in the chilly autumn air from the nickname—one that he knew Felix only used when he was feeling particularly soft for him. Almost protective, but in the best kind of babying way that Jisung always liked. 

“Are you sure you don’t know how you got that?” Felix asked, gesturing towards the black eye. 

“It might’ve been the ball that guy kicked towards me, but I remember dodging it so I have no idea.”

“Interesting…”

“Maybe I do have _Clumsitus_ …” Jisung whispered to himself.

“Clum-what?” Felix stopped at an intersection and held out his arm as Jisung almost walked into it. “Watch the road, idiot,” he mumbled.

Jisung looked up to a somewhat agitated Felix. He gave him an apologetic smile and backed away from the curb.

“ _Clumsitus_.”

“What the fuck.”  
——

 

 

Jisung’s body was slung over the couch with Felix on the other end, their legs entangled underneath all of the younger boy’s fluffy cat blankets. He munched on sour skittles as a rerun of Doraemon played on the tv. His face scrunched up at the acidity and he sighed as the candy helped to bring his mind further away from school and back to his Prince Charming. He played into whatever scenarios his brain made up and sighed dreamily at the tall, muscular man he created, causing Felix to give him a weird look. The blonde looked back to the tv as Jisung seemed to be completely drown in his own world, and he clicked through the channels to find something in English so he wouldn’t have to hear the horribly Korean dubbed anime. 

They sat like that until Felix couldn’t find anything to watch and Jisung was _still_ daydreaming. He sighed and untangled one of his legs to jab at the brunette’s stomach. Jisung startled at the other boy’s foot on his stomach and quickly pushed his leg away. 

“ _What_?” He asked, annoyed that he had to be brought back to reality. 

“Let’s hang out. I don’t like this wall you’ve built between us,” Felix said, looking into Jisung’s sparkling orbs. 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” Felix said, staring at the disturbing concoction being made on the food channel he flipped to. “So,” he started, turning back to Jisung. “How’s the project for theory going?” 

“It’s—going,” he sighed “Chan hyung is having some trouble with the beat so I haven’t been able to come up with (good—Felix didn’t need to know that though) lyrics.”

“Why don’t you make the beat around some lyrics? That’s what me and my partner are doing.” 

“We tried that Lix, it didn’t work,” he lied, running a hand through his frizzy hair.

“Well, if you’re having trouble with the beat, my partner could help you guys, he’s pretty good.”

“Really?” Jisung was glad that he lied. For once.

“Yeah,” Felix glanced over at the tv, showing the vile plate of food in its entirety. It quickly changed to another food channel, where people were decorating cookies. He sighed in relief looking back at Jisung, who was setting the remote on the small coffee table in front of them. They watched as the royal icing was cleanly piped onto the sugar cookies, almost robotically, making Felix’s head spin. He looked away from the screen to Jisung.

“Hey uh, Lix, what time is it?” he asked, turning to the younger boy.

“It’s around 7, I think,” he said, deciphering his cracked watch.

Jisung frowned. “I have to go then,” he got up from the couch. “Chan hyung wanted to meet in thirty minutes at his apartment, and you know I have no sense of direction, especially off campus.”

“Yeah, I know Sungie,” he smiled. “Come over tomorrow, okay? I have to keep my promise to your mom and keep you out of trouble, squirrel,” he said, also getting up from the couch.

“If Woojin lets me, then I will,” he laughed, “He practically acts like mom anyways.”

“I’m surprised you finally got close to him.”

“Yeah, me too. I guess it’s cause he reminds me so much of you and mom,” he pondered.

“That’s nice, Sungie. Now get going, you don’t want to keep Chan waiting long,” Felix said, ruffling the older boy’s hair, and then pulling him into a comfortable embrace.

“I will,” Jisung scrunched his face up, “ _mom_.”

“I know you miss her Sungie, but I'm _not_ your mother,” Felix laughed, patting Jisung’s back. "Now get going.”

“But it’s cold outside and you’re warmmm,” Jisung whined, burying his face into Felix’s chest. 

“You can borrow my parka if you really want, let go of me.”

“No, it’s not the same!”

“A puffy jacket will keep you way warmer than I will outside, come on Jisung,” the younger boy sighed, trying to pull away from Jisung’s tight hold on him, but he continued to resist.

“If you really want me to,” Felix sighed, “I’ll go with you since I can’t have you getting lost.” Jisung embraced Felix even tighter if that was possible, and finally pulled away from him so he could get the parka Felix offered him from the boy’s closet.

“Hurry up Ji, I have to start on an essay soon,” Felix called out to Jisung as he pulled his tattered converse over his fluffy cat socks.

“Isn't it due tonight?” He yelled back. He closed the younger’s closet and slid his arms through the sleeves, feeding the cuffs of his bright red hoodie through the ends. “N-no, I’m responsible…” Felix mumbled from the other side of the dorm. “Sure,” Jisung laughed, and then he bent over to zip up the long jacket and pulled the zipper to his neck. He grabbed his bag and the box of eyedrop from the ground and put the box into his bag, then slung the bag over his shoulder. Then he slipped his feet into the green high tops at the door and before he could take a step in them, Felix halted him and sat on his heels to tie the loose shoelaces of his shoes.

“See, this is why you need more than one person to watch over you,” Felix mumbled under his breath as he pulled the looped laces in opposite directions, securing the knots. “Hopefully Chan can pick up on your ' _Clumsitus_ ' or whatever the hell you called it and look after you too,” he stood up, meeting Jisung’s scowl.

“I’m not clumsy in front of Chan hyung.”

“Okay, sure, but not for long.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Felix smirked, standing up from the cold ground and opening the door. “Give me the address, I’ll lead the way.”  
——

 

 

“I’m so ff-cold,” Jisung shivered, clinging to Felix’s arm like a koala. 

“You’re wearing _my_ parka and _you’re_ cold? I’m literally getting frostbite over here!” Felix scoffed, clenching his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering. “Knock on the door, dumbass.”

“R-right,” Jisung stuttered into the icy air. He brought his gloved hand up and knocked on the medal door. No reply. He knocked again. Nothing.

“What the hell, he’s leaving you—us—out here to freeze,” Felix grumbled, unraveling his arm from Jisung’s. 

“Maybe he’s in the bathroom,” Jisung suggested.

“Okay, yeah whatever. Unzip my jacket,” Felix commanded.

“Why? It’s so _cold_.”

“Unzip,” the younger boy demanded, shoving his hands further into his hoodie’s pocket. Jisung complied and shakily unzipped the parka, shivering at the gust of wind piercing his exposed neck. 

Felix quickly took his hands out of his pockets and wrapped them around Jisung’s waist, taking in the warmth the other boy had hoarded the entire way to Chan’s apartment. Jisung brought the ends of the jackets and hugged them against Felix’s back to enclose the heat between the two of them.

“This is better,” Felix sighed.

“Not for me, I’m just as cold as before.”

“Shut up, I’m getting warm, that’s all that matters,” Felix mumbled into Jisung’s neck, his words turning into a whisper as the door to Chan’s apartment _finally_ opened. Jisung’s eyes got wide as he saw someone who wasn’t Chan at the door.

“Jisung? Felix?” The person asked after a moment. 

Felix turned around to the gruff voice. 

“Come inside, it’s freezing,” _Changbin_ ( _aha!_ Jisung applauded himself for remembering the boy’s actual name) said, opening the door wider. Felix adapted to the situation quickly and removed himself from Jisung, making the older boy whine, and he launched himself inside the apartment, sighing in the warmth. 

Changbin closed the door after Jisung stepped inside, and gestured for him to sit on the couch, where Felix already made himself comfortable. Jisung gave him a weird look and set his bag down. Felix returned the look as they both looked back and forth between themselves and Changbin. Changbin blinked before also sitting down, across from the two guests. 

“So this is kinda weird,” Changbin said, looking at Jisung. 

“Care to explain how you know my child?” Felix asked, almost accusingly as he hugged Jisung close to him. 

“So you do admit that you’re my mom,” Jisung laughed, burying his face into Felix’s chest.

“Shut up. Hyung, answer my question,” the blonde said, looking up to see Changbin on his phone, furiously tapping away at the screen. _Hyung?_

He finished his rapid typing and met Felix’s gaze. “Sorry, um, Chan hyung said he would be a bit late,” Changbin said, shifting his eyes to Jisung. “He told me you’re here to work with him on the theory project.”

“Ah, okay,” Jisung said into Felix’s hoodie. The other two boys laughed as he mumbled something incoherent, and he took himself out of Felix’s hold to sit upright. “I said, how do you and Felix know each other?” 

“He’s my theory project partner, Ji.” 

They spent the next twenty minutes finding out their connections, and Jisung was surprised to hear that not only was Changbin Chan’s roommate and best friend that he talked so highly of, but so was Lee Minho. The same Lee Minho who fixed his dislocated shoulder and who was friends with Woojin, which meant that Woojin probably knew Chan and Changbin too. It was odd—how _small_ the world was with so many people.

“Did you know that Jisung got that black eye from nothing?” 

“I do,” Felix sighed,”And I’m unfortunately not surprised.”

“Hey!”  
——

 

 

Felix had long gone by now, insisting that he needed to write his essay, and that Jisung needed to give him back his parka so he wouldn’t freeze to death in the increasingly cold weather. 

Chan—still hadn’t arrived yet. He texted Changbin saying he was caught up in traffic, to which he just sighed.

“What’s wrong?” Jisung asked, looking up from the mug of hot chocolate Changbin made for him.

“Hyung’s stuck in traffic.”

“Oh,” Jisung replied, taking a sip of the hot chocolate.

“So, Felix asked me if I could help his friend with the theory project. I’m assuming that was you?” Changbin asked, taking a bite of a cookie from the assortment on the coffee table. 

“Mhm,” Jisung hummed, grabbing a cookie as well. “Has Chan hyung showed you the track yet?”

“No, he hasn’t let me,” Changbin said. “But he _did_ leave his laptop here and I _do_ know the password for it.” Jisung’s eyes widened at that. 

“You’re not suggesting we snoop around on his computer...right?”

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.”

“I don’t think we should.”

“It’s okay, Chan hyung won’t mind if he doesn’t know,” Changbin dismissed the younger’s doubts, getting up from the couch and walking towards said boy’s room.

“W-wait,” Jisung called out, also getting up from the couch. He gently placed his mug on the coffee table and finished the last bite of his cookie. Then he followed after Changbin into Chan’s room, feeling guilty as Changbin sat in Chan’s chair and opened his laptop. The older boy easily logged in, and clicked through the files until he found a folder filled with music. 

“Is it this one?” Changbin asked, hovering over a track titled ‘mt project 1’.

“Y-yeah, I think so.”

Changbin nodded and clicked on the file, effectively making Jisung’s stomach turn. 

“I _really_ don’t think we should be doing this hyung,” he said, staring as Changbin hovered the mouse over the play button. 

“It’s fine, really,” he assured, turning over his shoulder to look at Jisung. 

“Is it?”

“Yes,” Changbin said, turning back around to face the bright screen. He hit the play button and turned the volume up to a reasonable level, watching the play bar as it ran through the different components of the track. Jisung’s body tensed a little at first but then relaxed as he listened to the familiar beat, noticing that Chan had changed what he suggested so that it was better than before. It didn’t sound nearly as empty. He let out a sigh of relief as the track ended, and Changbin held a thoughtful expression on his face. He closed out the music program and logged off, putting everything back in place so Chan wouldn’t notice that he had snooped around his stuff. 

“That was pretty good, I’m not sure if you really need my help for the project,” Changbin said, getting up from Chan’s chair and then pushing it in. 

“Maybe not,” Jisung said, “I haven’t heard this version of the track until now.”

“Wait, really?” Changbin asked, leading them out of Chan’s room back to the couch.

“Yeah, yesterday he was having a hard time and couldn’t work, so I made him go home early. I guess something must’ve inspired him after he woke up this morning.”

“Bold of you to assume hyung even slept,” Changbin said, making Jisung chuckle. “But yeah, maybe, he didn’t leave our apartment most of the day so he must’ve been attached to the computer.”

Jisung hummed, sitting back down on the couch. “Where did he go anyways?” 

“He went out to the lake, said he had to destress,” Changbin replied as he sat down on the opposite facing couch.

“That’s pretty far, isn’t it?” Jisung asked, to which Changbin nodded. “It’s Saturday night, too. No wonder there’s so much traffic.” 

Before Changbin could agree, there was a jingle of a key in a lock and then the front door of the apartment slowly pushed in. Chan’s face appeared in the doorway and then he stepped his whole body inside, shutting the door behind him to keep any more warm air from leaving the apartment. 

“Hello,” he greeted happily, waving to both Jisung and Changbin, who both waved back with sheer fondness in their eyes for him. He took off his boots and set them by the door revealing his fuzzy pink socks ( _Felix would love those_ ), then took his coat off and set it on one of the chairs at the dining table. He ran a hand through his newly re-dyed green hair and turned around to see the younger two males still smiling at him. 

“Do you want a hot chocolate, hyung?” Changbin asked. 

Chan shook his head. “I had a coffee on the way here, thanks.”

“Okay.”

He took another look at Jisung’s face, taking notice of the swelling bruise on his right eye. He decided not to mention it. 

Jisung and Changbin both continued to watch him as he looked around the apartment. “I’m gonna wash up first, then we can start working, yeah?” He said, looking more at Jisung, but the younger boys knew that Changbin was included, too. Jisung sent Chan a thumbs up and his signature gummy smile his way before he left the room to his own. 

“Do you think he saw my eye?”

“ _Definitely_.”  
——

 

 

“Okay, I made some changes, so I hope you’ll be able to get some lyrics out of them,” Chan said, sitting down next to Jisung on the couch. Changbin got up from the opposite couch to sit on the other side of Chan, peering over his shoulder to see the file being opened up. As the track ended, Jisung couldn’t help but feel proud of the changes he suggested. Changbin told Chan to move around a couple of things and Chan did so, rearranging the track a few times until it sounded even better than before—almost perfect. Jisung listened to the beat as Chan played it for the umpteenth time, trying to find a melody to follow. 

The track was quite honestly—perfect—exactly to Jisung’s tastes. But he felt a large weight on his shoulders to write the perfect lyrics to go along with it. He scribbled some small verses down and looked up from the paper to see the other two boys watching him.

“Can we see what you wrote?” Changbin asked innocently, unaware of Jisung’s insecurities.

“I-it’s not finished yet,” he stuttered, trying to cover the papers of his notebook with his arms.

“That’s okay,” Chan said, quirking his head to the side. “Let us see, Jisung.”

He shook his head, and continued to stare holes into the ground. “Not yet.”

“Then when?”

“When I’m ready.”

“When will you be ready?” Chan asked, softening his expression more.

“Never,” Jisung admitted.

“Well, it’s been a whole week and you haven’t shown me any of the lyrics you’ve written so far, maybe it’s time to now,” Chan said, looking at the covered notebook.

“Wait, seriously? He hasn’t shown them to you yet?” Changbin asked, looking at Jisung as he held a guilty look.

“Hey,” Chan said, putting a hand on Jisung’s shoulder. He flinched at the contact but deemed it as not a threat. “Don’t feel guilty for it, I kind of did the same thing to you. We’ll look at the lyrics tomorrow morning.” Jisung looked up from the notebook to a small smile from Chan and a worried look from Changbin. 

“Are you okay with staying over for the night?” Chan asked.

Jisung nodded, closing his notebook.

Chan hummed in approval and got up from the couch . 

“I’ll start on making dinner now,” he said, then he turned around in his spot, “Changbin, get some clothes for Jisung and show him where he’s sleeping.”

“Sure hyung. Hey, Jisung, come on, let’s get you some more comfortable stuff to wear,” Changbin said, snapping Jisung out of his daze. 

“Okay,” Jisung said, getting up from the couch and following Changbin to his room.

He looked around it to see various band posters and pictures of Changbin, Chan, Minho, Woojin, and _Hyungmin?_ (he still wasn’t all too great at remembering names, but he was good with faces) that looked like they were taken a few years ago on the walls; quite a contrast to Chan’s minimalist room. He smiled at how much younger and childlike they all looked in the polaroids and printed photos, and wondered how he ended up entangling himself in their little friend circle.

Changbin, once again, snapped him out of his daze by handing him a pair of pants and a t-shirt. “I think we’re the same size, so uh, these should fit,” Changbin said, running a hand through his raven hair. Jisung looked at the poke balls adorning the pants and giggled at it.

“Hey, don’t judge me, you got a black eye out of thin air,” the older boy said, laughing at the thought. Jisung laughed at it too. 

“Yeah, I guess so.”

 

 

_Has my life has always been this colorful?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> make sure to check the tags, i change them occasionally


	6. Can’t Hide Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING:  
> there are mentions of skipping meals and self harm so please do not read this if either make you highly uncomfortable. 
> 
> Songspiration  
> J Cole - Neighbors  
> Day6 - So Cool  
> Kanye West - All Falls Down

_I’m suffocating_  
_That’s not even a surprise_  
_Anymore_  
_Lungs rung out like a towel_  
_Dehydrated, deflated_  
_Deboned—my body is the biggest enemy_  
_When I need it to proceed it just goes and fails on me_  
_It’s my fault and I know it_  
_But I’m too afraid to admit it_  
_This destruction_  
_Well that’s all thanks to_  
_Me, myself, and I_  
_Why do I even try?_  
_Why can’t I see that this is my fate_  
_My destruction_  
_I’m supposed to corrupt myself_  
_And just get it over with_  
_Gone like the food that was once in my stomach_  
_I’m going to plummet_  
_Into the abyss where I belong_  
_Into the abyss where I belong_  
_Into the abyss where you can’t hear me_  
_Don’t listen_  
_don’t listen_  
_don’t listen_  
_don’t listen_  
_don’t listen_  
_Don’t listen._

Jisung was reluctant to share his lyrics with Changbin the next morning (Chan had gone out to the lake again before he could wake up), but he was glad he did, because he liked what he wrote and helped him to phrase it better and still keep the words true to himself. He was so grateful. He left the apartment that morning before eating breakfast and decided to text Woojin.

_**jijijijibbybbybby: hey hyung sorry I didn’t come back last night** _

_**woobear: it’s okay i wasn’t worried** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: wow i see how it is** _

_**woobear: i recognize that you’re not a child, jisung** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: can’t relate** _

_**woobear: wtf? wdym can’t relate?** _

_**woobear: whatever my point was that i don’t care where you are** _

_**woobear: as long as you don’t have any new injuries** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: …** _

_**woobear: jisung.** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: ……** _

_**woobear: come to the dorm right now.** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: it’s not that bad I promise** _

_**woobear: ??** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: felix got me something to heal it so i’ll be fine** _

_**woobear: who tf is felix? some creepy old man? is he selling you drugs??** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: HHHDJJDJDKKFKDK** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: HYUNG** _

_**woobear: well???** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: HES MY FRIEND** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: HHHNJDDJ** _

_**woobear: friends can still sell drugs** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: JJJFDJF** _

_**woobear: dorm. now.** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: i swear it’s not that bad of an injury**_

_**woobear: :)))))))** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: i mean,,, i m coming! thank you my favorite hyung for taking care of me !!!** _

_**woobear: good.** _

—  
_**jijijijibbybbybby: hey lix looks like I can’t come over**_

_**jijijijibbybbybby: woojin’s on my case** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: ofc he is** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: you’re in a very unhealthy relationship with Clumsitus**_

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: he needs to make sure you aren’t in too deep** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: wtf** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: :)** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: i swear you and hyung are like the same person sometimes** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: it’s scary** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: >:)** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: but i m more scared of woojin so uh,,, can you please come with me to my dorm** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: i m too young to die felix** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: sure** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: where are you?** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: wait, scratch that, you don’t even know where you are** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: ill use my gps to find you** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: wow thanks for having faith in me lix** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: ^3^** _

 

 _ **jijijijibbybbybby: lix pls hurry up i actually don’t know where i am and there’s this dog that won’t stop barking at me**_  
——

 

 

After Felix found Jisung wandering around the park near the southside of campus, they hurried over to the older boy’s building. Jisung dreaded the scolding Woojin would give him, and almost ran away from Felix’s firm grip on his arm as they stood in front of the dorm.

“He’s not gonna kill you, Ji, stay still.”

“You don’t know that. I’ll just come back later, let’s get chicken, I’m hungry,” Jisung pleaded, pulling on Felix’s arm. Felix almost complied until the door swung open to an agitated Woojin. 

Both Jisung’s and Felix’s eyes went wide. 

Woojin’s eyes pierced into Jisung’s soul, making him feel instant regret. Felix let go of his arm and Woojin turned his attention to the blonde.

“Who are you?” Woojin asked, filled with suspicion. 

Felix didn’t answer. He froze on the spot into a carefully carved marble statue. Woojin realized he wasn’t going to get a response from the blonde and turned back to Jisung. 

“Who is he?” Woojin asked.

“That’s Felix, you know, the ‘creepy old man’ who’s ‘selling me drugs’.”

“Ji what the fuck,” Felix managed to get out in a wheezed breath. 

“Well come inside I guess,” Woojin sighed, sliding away from the door. He went straight to his room to get his first aid kit, leaving the younger two boys in the main room. 

“I told you he’s scary,” Jisung said, poking at Felix’s cheek.

“He’s,” Felix started, “beautiful.”

“Wait what?” Jisung asked, right when Woojin entered the main room again. 

“Sit down,” he demanded. “What’d you do this time?” Woojin kneeled on the wood floor in front of Jisung and opened the first aid kit. He looked up from the kit to search Jisung’s face for injuries, ignoring the black eye that seemed to be healing on its own. He looked below his face and saw irritated skin spewing near the hood of Jisung’s jacket. Jisung watched as Woojin tore open an alcohol pad packet and stared at him for a reply.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. 

Woojin seemed convinced enough with the answer. Jisung looked back to the alcohol pad, unsure of its use when his only injury was his black eye. He was very sure that the alcohol would make his eye worse, but Woojin was more of an expert in this field than he could ever be. So he let him take the pad near his face. He prepared himself for the sting by closing his eyes. Instead of his eye burning, he felt a cold pain on his neck and he hissed.

Felix looked over from the other side of the couch, wincing from the second-hand pain as he saw the angry red scratches on the back and sides of Jisung’s neck.

“Did you know he did this?” Woojin asked as he kept rubbing the pad around the younger boy’s neck. Felix blinked out of his staring. He winced again as Jisung let out a pained yell. Woojin looked up from Jisung’s neck and patted his shoulder. “Hang in there buddy,” he whispered quiet enough for only Jisung to hear. The brunette nodded slowly, hissing again at the sharp pricks on his skin. The older boy looked over to Felix, who was on the verge of crying. “Oh my god, you didn’t know?” Woojin stood up from the ground.

Felix shook his head, sniffling.

Jisung’s head rested on the back of the couch and it took all of his energy to turn his head over to look at Felix. 

“Don’t cry, I’m okay,” he said, his voice croaked. “I’m okay,” he said again, shakily this time. He didn’t question the black spots that quickly took his vision as he started to remember what had _really_ happened in the past few days.  
——

 

 

“Are you not going to eat?” Minho asked as he continued to stare at the bowl of ramen in front of him. “I thought you liked ramen? That’s what Channie hyung told us at least,” Minho tried again, receiving no response from the brunette.

“Jisu-”

“I’m not hungry,” Jisung interrupted the green haired male, who just shrugged in response. 

“Big lunch?” Changbin asked, picking up a few strands of noodles with his chopsticks.

Jisung nodded. _Why do you keep lying? Dumb fuck._ He didn’t eat lunch that day. He didn’t eat breakfast either. He told himself that the coffee he had and the few sour skittles he ate ruined his appetite.

“Yeah, that’ll do it,” Chan said around a ball of noodles.

“Don’t eat with your mouth open, leekhead, it’s _gross_ ,” Minho snarled across the table. Jisung wasn’t sure how the mood had soured so quickly, and he definitely didn’t like where it was going.

“Damn I didn’t know butter could get so _greasy_ ,” Chan punched back, slurping on his noodles loudly afterwards. Changbin sighed loudly. Jisung just kept staring at his full bowl.

Minho scowled as Chan purposefully chewed on the noodles with his mouth wide open, right in the middle of his line of sight. His eye twitched as Chan taunted him with his eyebrows, which said ‘Fuck the line’, crossing it to the point of no return.

“That’s it! I’m going over to Hyunjin’s, don’t come after me,” Minho bolted up from the table and took his bowl to the sink, dumping out the remaining soup. _Wait, Hyunjin?_

“Why do you _always_ run to him?” Chan started to yell.

“Because he _actually_ understands me, unlike you.” Minho mumbled, rinsing the bowl out.

“I’ve been with you for everything, Minho! Why can’t I be enough for you! Why are you leaving me alone?” 

“You still have Changbin. I’m not leaving you alone just because I’m seeing Hyunjin,” Minho whispered, putting the bowl on the rack. “I’ll come back in the morning.” He stood still for a moment in the thick air before opening the front door and shutting it. Jisung flinched. 

“He didn’t take a jacket,” Changbin sighed.

“ _Hyunjin_ will give him one,” Chan mumbled, slurping up the last of his noodles.

Jisung felt like his parents just had an argument over him, and it brought him back to memories he would’ve rather repressed. He subconsciously scratched at his neck.

“You’re impossible, hyung.”

“Impossible my ass. Tell that to Minho, that twat needs it.” Chan pushed away from the table and stood up. “Sorry you had to witness that, Jisung,” he walked out of the kitchen with his empty bowl still sitting on the table and his chair not pushed in.

Jisung blinked. 

“They’ll be fine,” Changbin said in the silence. Jisung looked up from the table and shot him a curious look. “They’re always fine.” 

“That’s what I used to say about my parents,” Jisung clapped a hand over his mouth. He didn’t want to say that, especially not to Changbin who he had really only known for one day.

“That’s funny. I did too,” Changbin smiled sadly, and got up from his chair. He took his and chan’s empty bowls and quickly washed them at the sink. Then he went back to the table and pushed Chan’s and his own chair in, and held an unsure hand at Jisung’s bowl.

“You can take it,” he murmured. Changbin nodded and took the bowl over to the trash can to empty its contents. He rinsed it quickly and set it on the rack along with the other bowls, and walked back over to the table to see Jisung’s static body. 

He pulled out the chair nearest to Jisung and sat down, pulling it closer to the boy. Jisung looked up at him. “He isn’t always like that, I’m sure you’ve noticed. Chan hyung, I mean. Min hyung, on the other hand, is.” Changbin sighed, rubbing the heels of his palms against his temples. “This actually hasn’t happened in a month, so I thought they were getting better. But I guess I was wrong.”

Jisung tried thinking of any triggers to the situation that made it so bad. _Ah_. “Hyung _was_ on edge yesterday when we were working. I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but he cried—and he started hyperventilating. I had to calm him down.” 

Changbin was surprised at this information. “Do you know why?” He asked.

“I—maybe? It might’ve been me? Oh god, it was me. I did all of this,” Jisung started forgetting how to breathe. He remembered writing down lyrics while Chan sat there and struggled with the track. He remembered the irritated look Chan gave him when he offered to go outside with him. And he definitely remembered the anger in Chan’s eyes when he told him he was going to stay at the library after he left to work longer. 

“Hey, breathe, Jisung, breathe,” Changbin hushed him, rubbing small circles into his back. This felt all too familiar for Jisung’s liking. He felt like he was going to throw up the coffee he had that day. He didn’t, though. He paid attention to the steadiness of Changbin’s voice, and let himself fall asleep right there.  
-  


 

 

He woke up the next morning, more confused than ever. He was in a bed. It wasn’t his. He shot up from the soft pillow his head was resting on to see the familiar walls of Changbin’s room. He was in Changbin’s room. He immediately rubbed the sleep off of his eyes and slid out of the warm covers, making his way down the hall to the living room where Changbin was sleeping on the couch. A rush of guilt shot up his body as the boy shifted his position to something that looked uncomfortable. He shouldn’t have fell asleep at the table. He shouldn’t have been so careless and made Changbin drag him to his own bed where he could’ve been much more comfortable instead of Jisung.

He turned to look at the clock in the kitchen. It was around 6am. Way too early. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay in the apartment, so he washed his face up properly in the bathroom. The running water was enough to wake Changbin, who shot his head into the creaked open door of the bathroom. 

“Did you just wake up?” Changbin’s voice was hoarse from his disrupted sleep, and Jisung wished he never woke up in the first place. He nodded though, turning off the water. “Did you sleep okay?” Changbin asked, looking for signs of tiredness in the younger’s eyes.

“Yeah,” _of course I did, I took your fucking bed._

“That’s good,” Changbin rubbed his eyes. “Do you want some breakfast?” 

Jisung thought for a moment. Did he _want_ breakfast? He scratched at his neck. If Changbin noticed the red splotches he didn’t say anything. 

“Is that a no?” Changbin asked, and then startled from a loud yawn from down the hall. Jisung’s eyes widened as he thought Chan would still be angry at him, for whatever he did or didn’t do. Changbin took notice of this and assured him otherwise.

“Don’t worry, Chan hyung left about an hour ago. Min hyung came back while he was still sleeping, that’s why he left.”

“Where did he go?” 

“Probably to the river again,” Changbin looked over his shoulder. “Hold on, I need to make sure Min hyung is alright, give me a sec.”

“Okay.” Changbin turned and went down the hall into the older boy’s room, leaving Jisung back to his worrying without reason.  
——

 

 

A few days ago. It was a few days ago when Jisung had fallen back into his behavior from high school of skipping meals and digging his nails into his flesh. He didn’t mean to. It had been two years since he last did it—why now? He wasn’t hurting anymore, right? _...Right?_

He never thought he would turn back to the unhealthy coping mechanisms he bought into after his father passed away. 

Jisung didn’t see his father often as he wanted to as he worked overseas in Malaysia. He missed when his entire family still lived there together. In his free time, Jisung’s father played with the younger and made sure their time together didn’t leave any empty spots in his heart. He made sure Jisung wasn’t lonely. Jisung was grateful for that—still is. He didn’t have many friends in Malaysia, and the one friend he did make moved across the country, leaving Jisung behind. 

But because his parents had kept getting into arguments, his father had decided it would be best for Jisung and his mother move back to Korea, and Jisung’s preteen heart shattered. He wanted to leave Jisung behind too. Jisung was usually one to object to things he didn’t like and throw a tantrum. That time, though, the color from his father’s eyes drained, and he knew he didn’t have an option. He still doesn’t know why the man had asked him to leave as well. Maybe he wanted to be alone. 

But...that didn’t make any sense. Jisung thought his father would be lonely, because for Jisung, whenever he was alone, he was lonely. Because when no one was there with him, the void within him let go of the colors it held until someone could come to save him and patch it back up again. That isn’t to say that he would feel lonely in small moments of going to the bathroom, or taking a shower, or walking to class. But whenever he had to wait, his brain failed him. Because he had waited for his father to reunite with him and his mother, only for him to never even wake up again. If he had to wait on somebody, it meant there was a big possibility that they were already gone. 

When he moved back to Korea, he met Felix. Felix was his literal sunshine. The younger boy filled the most crucial parts of Jisung’s void. The void that seeped with the darkest shades of red mixed with the yellow sunshine to create an orange. An orange that reminded him of his father. Recently, other colors had started to find their way in, and the orange that comforted Jisung started becoming another color. He was afraid of losing the orange hue, as it was the only thing he had left of his father. 

Usually Jisung’s mother would tell him, “the more the merrier” and Jisung had believed in that. He wasn’t so sure anymore.

As the orange kept getting further away from the void, red would spew out in the form of blood on Jisung’s neck. He didn’t mean to, but whenever he felt a loss of colors his hands just automatically found themselves digging into his skin, his anxious nerves not helping them be gentle in the slightest. 

Nobody except for Felix knew about this habit. He was going to tell his mother but he never got the chance to as he found himself stopping it for two years. Felix was relieved and left it alone. But now Felix was scared again. And now Woojin knew. And he was sure Felix would tell his mother this time. He wasn’t supposed to keep secrets from his mother, but he couldn’t bare to tell her that her son was unintentionally self harming. The emotional toll on his body was far more painful than that of the actual scratches, and that scared everyone around Jisung. He tried to keep it on the low for the past few days but it only kept increasing with every passing moment. The overwhelming amount of new colors was too much in Jisung’s bland, orange life. The bland orange life that he had become so accustomed to. The bland orange life that he had been comforted by. The bland, orange life, that he wished to get back. 

But at least it wasn’t completely colorless, because Jisung had lived without any colors after his father’s death and before Felix came into his life. He hated every moment of it. The scars on his neck were the worst then. The scars ran down his torso too. Those scars were deep and the healed wounds still laid over his body, mocking him. Reminding him that he was _nothing_ without Felix. He was _nothing_ without his mom. He was _nothing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Please tell me if I should add more trigger warnings! I don’t want to make anyone read something they weren’t planning on seeing


	7. Traitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings:  
> hospital  
> struggling to eat  
> a little bit of gore
> 
> songspiration  
> Logic - Metropolis  
> Plt - Blah  
> Moti - Wish, Boa  
> Frank Ocean - Sweet Life, Crack Rock

“Jisungie?”

Jisung felt his head throbbing as he sat up again, in a bed that wasn’t his. He didn’t know how long he was unconscious for, but it must’ve been a while because from his view through the window, the sun was setting. The last thing he remembered before fainting was a loud cry from Felix and his own shaky voice. His heart pounded against his head.

“Jisungie,” a frail voice called out to him again from his side. He turned to see his mother. She looked so broken it hurt. 

“Mom,” she embraced him gently as he started to cry. 

“Do you know where you are?” She asked, pulling him up a little.

He quickly looked around the room again and the iv drip running through his arm, and noticed there was a nurse standing in the corner of the room. She looked up from her clipboard at him and started scribbling something onto the papers. “The hospital?” He asked, turning back to his mother. She nodded.

“Good.”

“Are you mad at me?” Jisung sniffled.

She shook her head. She sighed. “I’m just glad you’re okay. Don’t scare me like that again, please,” She pulled back to look at her son’s face, and wiped the new tears forming at the corners of Jisung’s eyes. He nodded.

“Did Felix tell you?” 

“Yeah.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s outside, the nurses wouldn’t let him in since he isn’t family,” his mother said, turning to look at the room door.

“He’s practically my brother,” Jisung scoffed. 

“I know, Sungie,” his mother said, placing a soft kiss to his forehead. “I think they’ll let him in after you eat,” she said, pointing to the tray of food at the small table next to him.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Please just eat something, Jisung,” She pleaded, looking at Jisung with her completely broken eyes. Jisung felt his face get all hot again as more tears spilled from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry mom,” He whimpered. His heart rate fluctuated and the heart monitor at his bedside beeped faster than before. The nurse in the room rushed over and put one of her hands on Jisung’s shoulder.

“Jisung-sshi, I need you to breathe for me,” she said calmly, but stern enough to get through Jisung’s wall. His mother watched in pain as the nurse asked her to leave the room for a few moments. As the door closed the nurse imitated the breathing for Jisung to mimic. He followed shakily, his sobs taking over the first few breaths. He tried to ground himself with the sound of the heart monitor, because he hated how the loud beeps intruded on his ears. In a few minutes his heart rate went back to resting and he sniffled again as he wiped the tears from his red cheeks. He almost forgot the nurse was in the room until she asked if he was okay, to which he nodded. She nodded as well and took the tray from the bedside table and placed it in front of Jisung. 

“You need to eat as much of this as you can, okay? It’s not the tastiest food in the world but your salt and sugar levels are really low. We can’t have you fainting again, okay?” She informed him.

“Okay,” Jisung replied, staring at the tray.

“I’m not supposed to leave the room until you finish at least half of it. Take your time, if you eat it too fast your body won’t react well.”

Jisung nodded, picking up the spoon as the nurse went back to the corner she was standing in earlier to sit on a chair.

He spooned whatever mush was on his tray and brought it up to his mouth shakily. It tasted like a dry erase marker. It tasted as colorless and bitter as he had felt five years ago. He repressed the memory and tried to make the food taste flavorless as he swallowed each bite. 

He struggled, only taking in a few bites of the mush at first. He peeled open the plastic top of the pudding cup in one of the dips of the tray. He had some hope in its flavor. It was pudding, for fucks sake, and chocolate at that; it had to taste good.

He licked off the mush from his spoon and took a big dollop of the pudding to his mouth. As he swallowed it he sighed. Something edible, at last. There was still color, even if only a little, in the vastness of seemingly none. After the big chocolatey spoonful, he returned to eating the mush, again taking forever for a few bites. He felt his stomach becoming upset after he took another giant bite of the pudding, so he took a five minute break before eating again. It was probably best that this wasn’t his favorite meal, or he would’ve thrown up already from eating too fast. 

After about an hour almost half of the tray was empty and the nurse seemed satisfied enough with it. She took the tray and advised Jisung to continue to sit still until the doctor came in to ask him some questions and check up on him.

The doctor came and left in 10 minutes, his questions not phasing Jisung in the slightest. He had his fair share of stays in the hospital from his clumsy nature. And once, only once before, did he go in from fainting. But that time had been different because he forgot to eat while being too caught up in working on something. This time he had purposely not eaten because he didn’t feel ‘hungry’. He wasn’t careful enough this time, he should’ve paid more attention. 

Now that the doctor had left the room and his tray had been taken away he felt hungrier than ever. His prayers were answered when an unsure Woojin popped his head into the room with a jumpy Felix behind him, holding out a box of his favorite fried chicken. Felix handed the box to Woojin, rushing over to Jisung’s side. Woojin stood awkwardly near the door to let Jisung’s mother back in and closed the door behind her. He set the box of chicken on the bedside table, watching as Felix laid over Jisung’s lap, his head buried into the older boy’s chest.

Jisung’s chest became warm as the younger boy sobbed into the light material of his hospital gown. He held Felix’s frame gently, resting his head on top of the boy’s blonde locks.

“Fe—lix,” Jisung croaked, his voice breaking in between the familiar syllables. The blonde shook his head and buried it further into the brunette’s chest, shaking.

They stuck together for what seemed like hours until Felix finally let go of the older boy from his growling stomach. Jisung ate the chicken they bought him, and all of them silently decided to not talk about his fainting and neck wounds, instead they talked lightly about each other, since Woojin wasn’t too familiar with Felix or Jisung’s mother. It was nice, and Woojin fit into his little family well, his tangy melon pink soothing some of the red wounds. 

“We’ll come back tomorrow, Jisungie,” Jisung’s mother said, placing a small kiss to his hair. Felix gave him a quick hug and Woojin ruffled his hair before they left Jisung to the cold air of the hospital room. He sighed into the now dark room as he tried to lull himself to sleep with thoughts of the plush snow that was to fall in the upcoming month.  
——

 

 

The next afternoon he was greeted by another very tight embrace from Felix and the loving gazes from his mother and roommate. Half an hour into their visit, three more figures (who Woojin asked to visit) made their way into the small room, warming the atmosphere. Felix reluctantly let go of Jisung for Chan to give him a short hug, followed by one from Minho, and a fistbump from Changbin. Whatever tension Jisung last witnessed between Chan and Minho was gone as they talked easily with everyone else. He eased his mind with the laughter that filled the room and ignored the overwhelming amount of colors filling his void because for once, it felt good. Incomplete, but good.  
——

 

 

Jisung was discharged the next day, and brought to his home by his mother’s demand. Felix had insisted on staying over but Jisung’s mother told him that he just needed a day or two away from everything to recollect.

The brunette laid on his bed as he re-read through the stolen library book he never bothered to return, getting lost in the clashing of swords and the rough gravel beneath the characters’ feet that was eternally stained with the blood of their own and their enemies. The main character, Devyn, drew his sword through the soil and into his enemy, Nealon’s, chest, the blood showering his body as the defeated man fell to the ground. This was Jisung’s favorite part, and though he had read it over a million times, his adrenaline still spiked with each advancing word. He sat up as he turned to the next page, aware of the bloody massacre that was going to happen in the coming sentences. 

_Devyn thought he had won. He thought he had everything. He thought he could go back to his village with the_ _defeat of Nealon, who had been torturing his people for decades. But as he stood from the gravel, his_ _sword stuck deep into the earth, a blade was brought to the back of his head. He didn’t dare move. He_ _knew whose it was. Teague. It had always been Teague. He should’ve known his own kin would betray_ _him. Teague was one of his best men. He fought alongside Devyn against the Danes, and had fortified_ _Ireland’s territory well against the Scottish and English many times before. Devyn had put all of his_ _trust in the man, only to be stabbed in the back by him. Why? Because since the beginning, it had always been_ _about the power. Teague was sick of being second best. He was sick of never seeing the true limelight,_ _always stuck in the shadows of Devyn. Devyn the Great, Devyn the Magnificent, Devyn the Almighty. And_ _who was he? Teague the Great? No. Teague the Magnificent? Never. Teague the Almighty? His dreams_ _could only reach. Never could he grasp the power, not with Devyn in the way._

_He hesitated for a moment with the blade, a drop of blood sliding down the cold and rusty piece of metal._

_“Well? Are you going to finish me?” Devyn asked meekly, his eyes trained on the lifeless body in front of him. The_ _string of blood ran down the handle of the blade, staining Teague’s skin as he thought over what he was_ _about to do. Without an answer he took the blade back from Devyn’s head, then stepped back, drawing_ _the blade back to his side. Devyn turned around, obviously confused as to why the other man hadn’t_ _taken the chance to get rid of him._

_“I,” Teague started, running his finger along the blade’s side. Devyn looked up and met his eyes._

_“I’m not a coward like you Devyn. I like to see the faces of my victims right before they die!” He yelled, then lunged_ _forward and stabbed Devyn right in the heart. Devyn gagged and coughed up the warm thick liquid_ _now engulfing Teague’s hands. Teague tore out the blade from the beaten flesh as Devyn fell to the_ _earth, the soil quickly stealing his blood for its own survival. Teague bent down over the dead man’s_ _body. He pushed his hand into Devyn’s chest and ripped his wounded heart from it. He looked at it_ _angrily as it continued to beat and squeezed it as hard as he could to get all of the life out of it._

_Teague had won, he had—_

“Jisungie?” 

“Yeah?” Jisung quickly dog-eared the book and set it on the bright red covers of his bed, turning to face his mother at the doorway.

“I’m going to go out and get some groceries for dinner tonight. Will you be okay here by yourself?” She asked.

“Yeah I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in an hour,” she said, walking over to Jisung. She placed a kiss to his forehead and left him back to his reading. He heard the front door lock and then picked his (not really—it was the library’s—but it might as well have been his) book up and opened it to the marked page.

_Teague had won, he had gotten what he had wanted for so long. Every single win for his country led him to this_ _point. He reached his goal—his entire reason for persisting. He gained power, immunity, and freedom._ _Freedom from the grips of second place. Freedom from the shadows. He had the brightest torch right in his_ _hands. But now what? He had never ruled a kingdom before. An entire army? Easily done. An entire_ _nation of his kin? Unfathomable._

_It couldn’t be as hard as he made it out to be—right? He just had to follow the footsteps of Devyn the Great,_ _Devyn the Magnificent, Devyn the Almighty. Teague the worthless scum had to follow that. Teague the_ _traitor who just killed his king out of jealousy and greed—was to rule Ireland. He wouldn’t be the first—_ _not the last to harbor these traits._

_Devyn was like that, too. He wasn’t the perfect leader everyone made him out to be. He was just as greedy—_ _just as selfish, as Teague. He had betrayed his own kin before—without remorse. They may as well have_ _been the same person. But Devyn possessed something Teague didn’t. Devyn—_

Jisung’s phone buzzed on the edge of his bed. He sighed, folding the tip of the page again before picking the phone up. He unlocked it to a mass of messages from Felix. He pushed his free hand against his face as he heaved another sigh, skipping the walls of text the younger male had sent him to his latest text.

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: jiiiii** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: yeah lix?** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: can i come over** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: mom said no** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: pleaseeeee sungie** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: shouldn’t you be in class rn** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: no** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: lix** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: i m already at your door open up** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: bRo wtf mom’s gonna lose her shit if she knew you were here** _

_**thathotguyintheorysendsme: is she home** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: n,,o,,** _

_**jijijijibbybbybby: l i x nO** _

Jisung’s eyes widened as loud knocks pounded at the front door. “Jesus fuck,” he mumbled under his breath as he made his way to the door from the cozy blankets on his bed. He almost tripped down the stairs and cursed under his breath as he got closer to the door, where he opened it to a falling Felix. The blonde wrapped his arms around Jisung as they stumbled inside the house, bringing the cold air with them. Jisung stuck his foot out, successfully closing the door. He figured he could lock it later.

“Can we watch _Frozen_?” Felix asked as he pulled away from Jisung.

“ _Again_? That movie isn’t even that good, Lix,” the brunette said, grabbing the blankets from underneath the coffee table in the living room. 

Felix scoffed. “Tell me why you’re my best friend again?”

“Because you love me,” Jisung smiled cheekily, throwing one of the fuzzy blankets the blonde’s way. Felix rolled his eyes.

“Let’s watch...hmm,” Jisung pondered, flipping through the dvd bag on the carpet. 

“ _Fantasia_!” He exclaimed, pulling out the dvd to show the younger boy.

“Alright, I haven’t seen that one in a while,” Felix said, picking up the blanket Jisung threw past his frame and towards the door. 

Felix made himself comfortable on the couch as Jisung put the dvd in, leaving the younger with the remote control as he popped a bag of popcorn in the microwave. He returned with a bowl of the buttery mess and two cans of coke and set them on the coffee table as Felix finished setting up the movie. He settled into the couch with the other fuzzy blanket and opened up one of the cans of soda, taking a sip. Felix started the movie and he watched as Cinderella’s castle flashed by his eyes before the first scene started.

“I _do_ ,” Felix murmured a few minutes into the movie.

“Huh?” Jisung raised an eyebrow, setting his soda down to look at the younger boy.

“I _do_ love you, squirrel,” the blonde smiled, leaning forward to pinch one of Jisung’s cheeks. 

“Shut up,” Jisung mumbled, hitting Felix’s hand away. “Just watch the movie.”

_I have betrayed myself_  
_I am my own opponent_  
_I am closest to me_  
_I am my own enemy_  
_My false rival means nothing_  
_When I destroy my own being_  
_Constantly_  
_The true traitor is me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will admit this is kind of a filler chapter ,, didn’t intend for it to turn out like that but life is full of fillers so I thought it was okay to show that here  
> btw the fake book will make a reappearance if you were wondering
> 
> oh yeah, here are the meanings of the characters’ names  
> Devyn - Poet  
> Nealon - Champion  
> Teague - Poet/Philosopher
> 
> again, if there are any trigger warnings you think i missed pls tell me (for any of the chapters) so i can add them to the beginning notes for the respective chapter. thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> ig - milkstax  
> tumblr - straysleeps


End file.
